Husbands- Welcome to, Stop Pissing Off Your Wife: 101

Whether you’re a husband reading this to increase your husbanding skills, or trying to prevent being smothered by a pillow in your sleep, doesn’t matter to me! I just hope you are able to learn something new! Maybe you’re a wife who is contemplating using said pillow and you just need to know you’re not alone (you’re not) you’ll find this information eerily relatable.

Husbands, I do urge you to take notes, maybe tattoo these things on your forehead, so you see them every morning in the mirror. Whatever floats your boat, just don’t forget this crap… I’m doing you a favor.. Wives, you’re welcome.. Husbands, sit down, shut up, and listen closely, class is in session. You can thank me later, for all the silent treatments, couch sleeping night, and death threats, I’m saving you from.

Now, have you ever thought “Wow, my wife is in a really bad mood, she’s super pissed at me and I have no idea why”? I know you have and you will again, so the next time that happens, I’m 99.4% sure it’s for one of the reasons I’m about to list. The other .6% of the time she’s PMS’ing but that’s a story for another time. Stop doing this shit and you can stop sleeping with one eye open! Oh and you’re wife won’t be facing 20 to life with no possibility of parole, everybody wins.

  • Did your wife ask you to take out the trash Tuesday morning? Oh, she did, but you forgot? Guess what, you don’t forget to breath, take out the damn trash. By the time Friday rolls around and you have you AH-HA moment, she’s taken it out 4 times, and you’re on her shit list. You don’t forget to eat, take a shower, or what time your team plays. So don’t forget to take out the trash.            Just do it, take out the trash. She’s not asking for the moon and the sun, she just wants you to take out the trash, man!

 

  • Does your wife do the laundry? What’s that, she washes, dries, irons, folds, and put’s it away. Geee, you’re a lucky guy (seriously)!! So basically you have one job, you have to put your dirty clothes, in the hamper (which sounds reasonable to me)??!! So why on God’s green earth, do you not do it? In the hamper means IN the hamper, it does not mean next to, beside, or around. It also doesn’t mean leave your clothes on the bathroom floor… IT MEANS IN THE HAMPER. What’d you say, you did a Jordan shot from the sink and missed? Well by God, you better walk your happy, Jordan ass over and pick em’ up… then put them IN the hamper. You remember to put gas IN your four-wheeler, you remember to put nachos IN your mouth, and you remember to put your name IN the fantasy football league… Your wife is not your mother, quit acting like it.  Repeat after me: “I am not Michael Jordan, I know I will miss. And when I miss, I’ll remember I’m a grown man, who is capable of and who will, put my clothes IN the hamper”!

 

  • Facial hair… You have it, don’t you? Yea, I thought so. Let me guess, you shave don’t you? I bet your wife has kindly said “Honey, please quit leaving little black hair’s all over the sink. Just rinse them down the drain”. So why is it that you continue to leave every single little, irritating, piece of it in the sink? I’ll wait….. Oh, you don’t have a legitimate reason, imagine that. We all have forgetful days, I get it. Here’s the thing though, you’ve been asked about fiftyleven times and you “forget” EVERY day. I don’t even know how that’s possible, do you not see it in there? Or do you guys do this purposefully? I think you do, with an evil laugh in your brain you say “I’ve done it again, today will be the day my wife loses her ever-lovin’ mind over my facial hair, mwahahahah”. Stop that, and do it before your wife uses your razor on you for something other than shaving. You cleaned up your shitty apartment in college when there was a girl coming over, you clean up your truck when it starts smelling like a gym locker, and ya know, you clean up pretty nice when you take your wife out to dinner….                                                                                                 So clean up the facial hair you leave in the sink. It’s simple, 4 step process! Shave, look down, turn on water, splash it around the sink, wa-la no hair! Bonus points, your wife keeps what sanity she has left.

 

  • If you come home to a clean home, thank your wife, acknowledge her hard work. Guy’s, 99% of the time NO ONE else is cleaning your house. Guess what, she doesn’t HAVE to clean the house, newsflash, she’s not a maid. But she does so, because she wants to. “Really” you say, no not really, I’m lying. She does it because if she doesn’t, within 72 hours a hazmat team will be called in by the neighbors, because like I said NO ONE but her, cleans. The place can get pretty nasty, pretty quick… You wouldn’t know, because your wife always handles it before it does. Say “thank you hunny”, say “wow babe, the house looks awesome, you’re the best”. Give the woman some recognition, she does a lot more shit than you realize and that’s because you’ve never had do or worry about the things that she does.                                                                                       You would notice if she didn’t clean, so notice when she does. And by God, appreciate the things she does, the things she saves you from worrying about and doing!

This has been an introduction course for those majoring and looking to obtain a PhD in Husband Fails, there are many more things to cover when trying to obtain such degree. There will most certainly be many continuations, to this course (ah-em, post). Because let’s be honest, you’ll need them. In fact I’ll give you a sneak peek, if one of the above is not the reason your wife is pissed, it might be because of one of these gems:

  1. She got her hair done, you didn’t notice.
  2. She dressed up and you didn’t notice and/or didn’t compliment her.
  3. It’s your anniversary, you forgot.
  4. You were supposed to make the kids lunches, you didn’t.
  5. The football game is on, she’s been talking to you for 10 minutes, and you’ve yet to notice.
  6. You left them effin’ seat up again and she took a butt dive into the toilet at 2:00 a.m.

Us wives aren’t asking for much, just trying to stay out of jail and never get divorced! Be a good friend and share this with your buddies, they deserve to stay married and not be smothered by a pillow too!

Fella’s just remember, “Happy Wife = Happy Life”!

Class Dismissed!

Sincerely,

A Wife Who’s Not In Jail, Yet!

 

 

 

 

 

 

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